Saturday, January 28, 2012

Space Odyssey 2012

If you're anything like me, you've been riveted to the television watching the Republican debates and wondering why you can't come up with brilliant ideas such as Moon Colonies. Newt Gringrich, nevermind his personal failings (forgiven by Jesus), is indeed one of the most intellectual thinkers of all ages. Channeling JFK, he wants to not only land a man on the moon, but he wants an entire colony there by 2020. Plus, a new Bay of Pigs, because the logical conclusion is that everything old is new again. See, if you begin thinking like Newt, the mind reels like an astronaut spinning backwards in time and space. Think of it as The Butterfly Effect in reverse.

Me with my subpar intellect and doldrum daydreams of getting a survival job cannot compete with the obvious genius of Newt. If I try logic on his level, I can only imagine an astronaut spinning against some Hollywood set of infinite space, and that's as far as my mind can reach before I get sleepy from overstimulation or exhausting time travel.

A moon colony, aside from the obvious perks for NASA – saving Florida from a future economy of mere orange juice and Dexter shootings – will also have trickle-down effects for NAPA. The auto parts store will carry all sorts of replacement parts for a DIY culture ready for space travel. And as everybody knows, aspiring astronauts tend to spend money lavishly – doughnuts on the way to the store, diamonds from Tiffany's – so it's a win for the economy all around. Even Mitt Romney can win, if he dare dream as big. (Paper clips will be a hot commodity in space.)

Also, the moon sounds like an ideal haven for Billionaires. They can take time out in an oxygen sealed container and count all their money as the copyrighted voice of Hal 2000 reminds that he wouldn't do that if he was you, Trump. This former jet set cum moon set can pay the help for the return trip ticket in cash from suitcases poured out on motel suite beds, so no worries. But to support such lunacy, we can even make it a matter of national interest to frack a pipeline to the moon that will allow these super wealthy job creators their illegal immigrant chefs a gas flame to stir fry all the organic produce made possible by the oil pipeline that generates enough power for the space garden and provides shade in the form of smog, as well.

Who knows, if there are enough Billionaires to exceed the population of D.C. we mere earthlings could even allow them to vote and be represented in Congress back on Earth. And all the necessary SuperSpaceyPACs that come with that responsibility. As Earth increasingly begins to look like Mordor, there will be no other option that to listen to, pardon the pun, lunatics. At least there will be some respite on The Moon. One can kick back in a Barcalounger and watch the End Times go down on satellite as well as the living room window. It's the inevitable final chapter to History. It's a win-win for CNN. And lunatics.