If you're anything like me, you've been riveted to the television
watching the Republican debates and wondering why you can't come up
with brilliant ideas such as Moon Colonies. Newt Gringrich, nevermind
his personal failings (forgiven by Jesus), is indeed one of the most
intellectual thinkers of all ages. Channeling JFK, he wants to not
only land a man on the moon, but he wants an entire colony there by
2020. Plus, a new Bay of Pigs, because the logical conclusion is that
everything old is new again. See, if you begin thinking like Newt,
the mind reels like an astronaut spinning backwards in time and
space. Think of it as The Butterfly Effect in reverse.
Me with my subpar intellect and doldrum daydreams of getting a
survival job cannot compete with the obvious genius of Newt. If I try
logic on his level, I can only imagine an astronaut spinning against
some Hollywood set of infinite space, and that's as far as my mind
can reach before I get sleepy from overstimulation or exhausting time
travel.
A moon colony, aside from the obvious perks for NASA – saving
Florida from a future economy of mere orange juice and Dexter
shootings – will also have trickle-down effects for NAPA. The
auto parts store will carry all sorts of replacement parts for a DIY
culture ready for space travel. And as everybody knows, aspiring
astronauts tend to spend money lavishly – doughnuts on the way to
the store, diamonds from Tiffany's – so it's a win for the economy
all around. Even Mitt Romney can win, if he dare dream as big. (Paper
clips will be a hot commodity in space.)
Also, the moon sounds like an ideal haven for Billionaires. They can
take time out in an oxygen sealed container and count all their money
as the copyrighted voice of Hal 2000 reminds that he wouldn't do that
if he was you, Trump. This former jet set cum moon set can pay the
help for the return trip ticket in cash from suitcases poured out on motel suite beds, so no worries. But to support such lunacy, we
can even make it a matter of national interest to frack a pipeline to
the moon that will allow these super wealthy job creators their
illegal immigrant chefs a gas flame to stir fry all the organic
produce made possible by the oil pipeline that generates enough power
for the space garden and provides shade in the form of smog, as well.
Who knows, if there are enough Billionaires to exceed the population
of D.C. we mere earthlings could even allow them to vote and be
represented in Congress back on Earth. And all the necessary
SuperSpaceyPACs that come with that responsibility. As Earth
increasingly begins to look like Mordor, there will be no other
option that to listen to, pardon the pun, lunatics. At least there
will be some respite on The Moon. One can kick back in a Barcalounger
and watch the End Times go down on satellite as well as the living
room window. It's the inevitable final chapter to History. It's a
win-win for CNN. And lunatics.
